A funny “press release” about A.P.I.S.

The following “Press Release” was just received (author unknown). It is worth publishing. Although sarcastic it has many elements of truth. 


A new entity is born, the APIS by Michael Moore.

APIS stands for Association of Professional Independent Squirrels.

With this name Michael Moore  hit the jackpot!!! He could not have
chosen a more apt name for his cage… I mean virtual org.

For those who would object that APIS is just a low level mockery of a Scientology
org, I say nahhhhh, it is  a matter of reality, because APIS is indeed a very
professional organization which is mocked up in space. Yes you heard me, in space.

Because who said that an org must be built in the MEST universe, with MESTy
auditing rooms, a solid academy, very redundant DIV6 spaces, a sauna for
the Purif (too hot), a thorough MESTy Qual, a solid and menacing HCO (APIS’
ethics level is such that doesn’t need an HCO anyway) and on and on.

The APIS doesn’t need all this because it is a “virtual organization” exactly
as LRH intended i.e. built out of thin air!

Well we learned that back on the track there was such a city called Arcycules
(from Latin Arcy “a lot” and “cules” meaning “asses”), a big city built in mid
air, it is similar to APIS, with one big difference. You could still land on
Arcycules, you still had very MESTy buildings, rooms, walls, etc. Not so with
APIS. This organization is ethereal. In other words it is a modern and standard
virtual reality organization.

You’d better believe it. The auditors of APIS, pardon me, I mean the Professional
Squirrels are auditing in the ethereal band of nowhere.  There is more. Every
Professional Squirrel must pass a very strict examination. He or she must be
able to show that he can audit out of thin air. This means they must be able
to see an F/N even without a meter. This is equivalent to those martial artists
that have to throw their daggers in the bull’s eye  blindfolded.

This is a very high skill that can only be achieved with years and years of
squirreling… I mean practice.

Once a Squirrel has passed this test he can then become a fully accredited,
fully graduated, fully certified Professional Squirrel. The APIS even provides
for a Gold seal. What do you know!

APIS is very serious when it comes to standard tech and APIS is taking care
of all details. For instance,  for any organization that produces Professional
Squirrels there are certain standard, basic qualifications that are to be in
before they can be further credited with the APIS’ gold seal.

The basic qualifications are the following:

a) Every professional squirrel must have received a Suppressive Person declare
by a Church of Scientology.

b) Every professional squirrel must have received a Suppressive Person declare
by Ron’s Org.

c) Every professional squirrel must have received a Suppressive Person declare
by Pierre Ethier.

d) They must have a track of out-tech as auditors, this is because only by
experiencing out-tech one can become standard.

e) Every professional squirrel must also be a failed case – again for the
same reason – those that have experienced what a failed case is then and only
then can become standard.

f) They must be able to audit over Skype.

g) They have to kiss Michael Moore’s ass… virtually.

h) They must be able to spot an F/N out-of-thin-air.

i) They must have gotten at least two of the following results (or similar)
from pc’s they’ve audited:

1) PC reverted on drugs; 2) PC starts smoking marijuana; 3) PC gets arrested by the IRS; 4) PC gets admitted to a psychiatric ward; 5) PC thinks he is Jesus Christ or Napoleon; 6) PC thinks that O/Ws do not exit and everything that happens to me is the C of S’s fault. 7) PC must pay double even though he didn’t get any auditing. k) He must pass a final examination by Marty Rathbun with plenty of bull bait
e.g. punching, strangling, heckling, spitting, scratching, ripping, etc.
(The candidate cannot use any shield and cannot defend himself with his hands
but only with tone 40. If his tone 40 is really in he won’t be hurt)

There are more requirements but the above are the absolute minimum standards.

So we are welcoming the APIS and all the certified Professional Squirrels,
we know that it is tough to audit out of thin air but as the old man said,
it is a tough universe and only tigers survive and we now know that these
Professional Squirrels will be able to reduce the toughest cases to zero
all out of … thin air.

Very Truly Yours,

Jack The Ripper the 3rd

Press Angent of Glutz PR & Marketing,
a division of Glutz PR International,
on behalf of our client,
the APIS.

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