A new press release on APIS: The First Success Story

A new and very funny press release was received:


“We have received an incredible amount of feedback from those that have received our first press release about the establishment of the APIS (Association of Professional Independent Squirrels). Many trained auditors and old timers have hailed the formation of the APIS with a unanimous clamor of agreement: “Finally we have an organization that properly certifies and police Squirrel auditors to a Professional Squirrel Standard!”

“Along the same line we have also received many wins and successes from the first APIS’ auditors that are coming off the line and we would like to share some of these wins with you.

“The first success story comes from Los Angeles from one of the first certified Professional Squirrel auditor.

“We are talking about Class VIII divided by IX, Prey-on Lots, who sent us the following, heart wrenching success story.

“Hello! As first thing I have to say that receiving an SP declare from Pierre Ethier is really a transcendental experience. When I was declared by the Church I was ‘OK, now what?’ But getting declared by Ethier was like reaching Nirvana, I was 100 feet off the ground and I am still F/Ning.

“However all the previous requirements for APIS certification were nothing compared to what is like getting bull baited by Murky Rathbone on the PRO TRs. He really takes the TRs to a whole new standard and now that I got through this I know I can withstand anything.

“Murky didn’t wait any time and as soon as he said ‘Start!’ he slapped me with both his hands, repeatedly, back and forth, back and forth, for about 100 times without stop. My face had become like a marshmallow and when he stopped I couldn’t tell if I had any teeth left… but that was the first big win!

“After about a minute of respite Murky increased the gradient, as per TRs tech, and using a combination of spitting, scratching, smashing, punching and crushing he really got down to business. This went on for about 20 minutes. Again when he stopped I had a big win – despite the fact that my left eye was swollen like a watermelon and my face was like if I had been shaved by Jack the Ripper and that my head had at least 25 big red bumps, I could still stand there and “be there” [I knew my body wasn’t important while my thetan was fresh and alert].

“At this point Murky increased the gradient even more and went for the kill [figuratively speaking.] Murky punched me straight in my face with such energy that my head bobbed back and forth at least 10 times. The second time he did that I felt all of my teeth sort of imploding and this is one of the few times I lost a bit my TRs and I felt an overwhelming urge to spit out and so I did and one of those teeth came out like a missile and pierced Murky left ear.

“Marty at this point was screaming like the incredible Hulk and started calling me names like ‘You-are-a-motherfucking-son-a- bitch-you-are-going-to-eat-shit cocksucker!!’ Every name calling was coming along with some martial art type of hit on me, like on my stomach, my legs, my harms, my neck and so on until there wasn’t any square inch of my body that didn’t take a hit.

“And when I was nearly unconscious, could not ear or see anything and my body had become like ground meat fit into a punching ball and I was about to collapse I heard the beautiful, magic word “Pass!!!!!!!!”

At this point all the pain and suffering vanished [almost] and I was feeling lighter and totally keyed out

“I know that it will take me weeks and months to recover and to get my body back in shape but I know that from now on my TRs will be impeccable, perfect!!

“As LRH said ‘The way out is the way through’ and I really think that I got through!!!

“Thanks to Murky for his kindness and love and to Michael for supporting standard tech.

“Now I know, I AM a Professional Squirrel!!!!!!”


Jack The Stripper the Fourth


Press Agent Director of

Glutz International Services

A division of APIS


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